PERMISSION: Body Intelligence


Why Pleasure is Your Secret Superpower

beauty and the beast, beautiful woman kissing a monster

Pleasure is the scintillating zap of aliveness melting into your cells, causing you to momentarily disengage from your brain, with the reminder that you were born for bliss and not to suffer shame or guilt or pain. Pleasure is there to remind you: you were born to transcend your human limitations not to be trapped by them.

Pleasure is the sum of all of your superpowers coming together like a UN summit, validating your unique bliss on planet Earth and celebrating what your body is built for.

Pleasure is not about escapism; it’s about realism. Click To Tweet
(more…)


by // Comments Off on Why Pleasure is Your Secret Superpower

3 Ways to Heal Self-Esteem Through Pleasure

07.1.KK1.A1_0264 (2)

“Shit I stayed up til 2AM working and didn’t go to yoga today… BAD!”

Most of the time we don’t even recognize the pressure we put on ourselves to meet self-imposed expectations. It feels normal to have harsh ’self-regulating’ thoughts that make us believe we’re becoming “better human beings.”

The problem is, while the mantra “mind over matter” may push you to excel through your physical and emotional capacities, you may be disrespecting your body’s wisdom. If we’re not already totally exhausted from pushing our limits, the depletion we feel inside can lead to knocking down a bottle of wine to numb our dissatisfaction. Overindulgences in other pleasures, such as sex, can serve as an escape instead of a pleasure we’re fulfilled by. (more…)



How Do You Love Yourself? And Why Does It Matter?

making love, masks we wear when making love

Self Love: A Recipe for Integrity

Self-love can easily be misunderstood, misguided and misjudged, but by defining how you love yourself, you’ll inspire, heal and reinforce your personalized definition.

Does self-love mean having the free-spiritedness to dance naked on a beach? Or religiously staring at yourself in the mirror and reciting affirmations? Or dodging negative people or situations at all costs? Or focusing on balls of light to help instill peace? Or rising above all things irksome? (more…)


by // Comments Off on How Do You Love Yourself? And Why Does It Matter?

Discover A Safe Haven to Freedom by Unleashing Your Rage

Fire girl dancing

Rage: It gets pegged as a gangster emotion that can destroy you, your opportunities and relationships, but if you just have a safe and private refuge to express anger full throttle, your rage can be your most heroic friend, defining your personal integrity.

When rage is given room to breathe, instead of shoved into denial, it’ll help you to see wounds underneath that need to be healed, and it’ll generously guide you towards cleanly engaging in a compassionate yes to yourself and an unapologetic no to someone or something that doesn’t jive with that self-compassion. Rage is your anchor to dignity, your compadre to passion and your backbone to self-loving love at all costs.

When’s the last time you felt seething rage? I mean seething.

The kind where you feel betrayed by something, someone, somewhere and it’s entirely out of your control?

What do you do when your blood boils?

Do you take the high road? You meditate. You do yoga.
Do you throw yourself into getting your shit together?  (more…)



5 Secrets about your Self Love Sweet Spot: The Pilgrimage to Pleasure

MaskSH:

Self-love may seem intangible or elusive because it doesn’t just manifest itself in our brains by repeating affirmations. Self-love needs to be felt viscerally in our bodies, in order to have a foundation for deep healing and long-lasting change.

In my experience, self-love is misunderstood and underestimated.  Many people believe self-love requires protecting their energy, dodging negative people or situations, focusing on mantras or balls of light to help instill peace, or rising above all the things that we just don’t love.  And others believe that self-love is simply impractical, intangible or hokey.

In my experience, self-love is none of those things. (more…)



5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Pleasure Derails you from Getting What you Truly Desire

I’d curated a self-proclaimed “Permission Slip” to get lost in the magic of tango, to write my book in cafes in Paris, and to chase northern lights in Iceland. Five countries in 6 weeks, all in devotion to my M.O.: Permission for Pleasure.

Carpe diem. Seize the moment. Live your life. Be Free.

And, if for nothing else, do it because you can.

IMG_0643

Little did I know this 6-week pleasure trip would completely re-configure my notion of Permission and lead me to an important lesson.

A lesson on love & freedom.
(more…)



Can You Tell The DIfference Between Your Sensuality and Your Sexuality?

sensual lips closeup

Do you feel connected to your sensuality even when it’s not sexual?  

What if your sensual pleasures were so fulfilling that sexual pleasure was just one of the many results that comes with being satisfied moment to moment?  

Sensuality and sexuality are often lumped into the same category, but actually, the two are very different qualities.  Sensual is not always sexual.

Sensuality is our ability to feel pleasurable sensation through all of our senses: touch, scent, taste, and sound. While being in tune with our sensations, often connects us to our primal sexual nature it’s equally important to note that it’s the gateway to experiencing to the pure bliss of our inner being.

In order to experience our sensuality, we need to be focused on the physical sensations that we’re experiencing, which means being present to our physical experience as we’re present to our emotional experience.  Otherwise we default to the mechanics of using our bodies as utilitarian machines.   It’s the difference between rubbing soap on our bodies to get clean, or to rub soap on our bodies to feel the soft supple decadence of silky soap gliding over one of the most sensitive organs of our body: the skin.

Sex without sensuality is very similar.   Have you ever felt like the buttons on your body were being pushed and prodded to get a desired response?  Aiming for the physiological result of getting you wet?  Meanwhile, the pleasure of each nuance of sensations is missed? 

Our bodies are like a GPS system. Our sensuality is similar to the wires that connect to our internal calibration system–our intuitive soul. On the other end, the wires are plugged into the battery pack–our sexual life-giving energy.

Our sensuality is therefore the bridge between our sexual satisfaction and our soul satisfaction.

The pleasure of running our fingers over our own skin, the texture of fur, or the taste of melted chocolate on our tongues sends endorphins and stimulates the pleasure center of our brain. It stimulates our physical ability to receive pleasure while it also stimulates our emotional ability to feel happy and blissful from ecstatic sensations.

The experience of sensuality is to feel and embrace pleasure, however that pleasure might feel, moment to moment, whether or not sexual turn on is part of the equation.

Sexuality, on the other hand, is our primal physiological ability to create life-giving energy. Sexual energy is not only useful for procreation and for pleasure, but it also connects us to feeling at home in our own skin. Having our sexual energy activated is our most naturally alive state in our human bodies.

Sexual is not always sensual.

A person can be tapped into their sex drive, but they may not be present with their sensuality at all.

Being connected to our sexual energy doesn’t always let us tap into the same emotional bliss that we feel when we’re tapped into our sensuality. Experiencing physical release through orgasm doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a connection to sensuality.

When the connection to sensuality is missing, the experience of pleasure is limited to a physical release, and bypasses the spiritual and emotional state of ecstasy.

When we understand this distinction, it’s easy to see the role that sensuality has in helping us to feel fulfilled in life, as well as to experience ecstatic, blissful sex.

How can we deepen our sensual experiences so we can feel more fulfilled not just by sex, but by life?

  1. Practice focusing your mind on the sensations you’re experiencing. 
    Notice each sensation without judgment. This will get you out of your head and into your body so your body can have the experience without judgment.
  2. Let yourself feel your emotions while you’re focused on those sensations.
    So many emotions are held inside of your pelvis, in your hips, in your ass, and inside your vagina. Allow your sensations to release your emotions. When you’re connected to your sensuality, you can consciously release the day-to-day stress that you hold. By releasing this emotional tension, your body opens up to receive more pleasure. It also frees you to be more authentically connected to your emotional truth, which helps you experience greater pleasure during sex because it creates a connection first, with yourself, so you can then express that emotional truth with touch or with words to your partner.
  3. Give yourself permission to receive more pleasure.
    We often limit ourselves to what we think our bodies are capable of, or what we’ve been able to experience in the past, which can lead our bodies to physically shut down. As you’re focusing on the sensations you’re experiencing, repeat this to yourself:
    I deserve to receive pleasure. This will take your mind off of what you’re feeling or not feeling, and how long it’s taking, or what your partner’s experience is. Focusing on receiving pleasure takes away the notion of having “to do” something.  Feeling deserving of pleasure without having to do anything for it, invites more relaxation into your body and can often free belief patterns that you may hold unconsciously around not being worthy. 

Do you feel connected to your sensuality even when it’s not sexual?

What if your sensual pleasure was so fulfilling that sexual pleasure was just one of the many results that comes with being satisfied moment to moment?

© Krista Kujat


by // Comments Off on Can You Tell The DIfference Between Your Sensuality and Your Sexuality?

How To Find Healing With Your Sexual Tears

Holy Couple

Sex can teach us so much about ourselves. Seriously.

It teaches us where, when and why we hold back voicing our emotions, our experience, and asking for what we need.

More than anything it teaches us how to let go of everything we don’t need.

Have you ever been in the middle of sex and you can’t feel pleasure, all you feel is discomfort?

You adjust your body, you change your position, you persist through the discomfort, and maybe you even endure the discomfort because you know you need and WANT sex as much as your partner does. But it’s just not happening. You’re not feeling it. Zero pleasure.

Your partner notices, and stops to check in. You don’t want to stop, but you also don’t really want to keep going. The friction is more acute now. It could be your head space. It could be your body wasn’t warmed up. It could be you’re close to your period and your body is more sensitive than usual. It could be any number of things. But all you know at that moment is that it’s off. You know it. And your partner knows it.

WomanCrying

Dear lady, I’ve been there.

I was once so looking forward to having sex with my lover after we hadn’t seen each other in a while. We both wanted it. Needed it. But when he was inside and the friction felt increasingly irritable instead of pleasurable, we stopped. I apologized, for my disappointment and for his.

My lover said, it’s ok, it happens.

I didn’t want it to be happening.

My lover said, “I hope I didn’t do anything to upset you.”

“No, you didn’t,” I said. “I think my body wasn’t warmed up enough.”

It was really that simple.

Yet meanwhile my head jumped to “what’s wrong?” and then jumped to “I want to fix this.” When our bodies tell us what we need, our minds make up stories about “something being off or wrong”, when its really as simple as fulfilling a physiological need and asking for it.

The clitoris is a woman’s main sex organ (not the vagina, as many, including myself assumed for years). With 8,000 nerve endings, the clit needs to be played with for at least 20 minutes in order for most women to feel pleasure (let alone orgasm) from penetration.

Even knowing this, the Wonder Wheel of my mind whirled into being disappointed with my body when she didn’t respond the way I wanted her to.

Our bodies are geniuses. All we need to do is just slow down, listen, speak our truth and Let Go of our agendas! Click To Tweet

Listen to your body.

Hear her.

Then give her a voice.

Communicate. Yes. Communicate even if you don’t know how and what to say. Just share something (anything!) that your body feels in that moment.

In that moment when I told my lover how my body was feeling, I cried tears of frustration. That’s the release my body was truly craving!

After shedding my tears, my body immediately opened again.

NOW she was available. Now she was receptive to pleasure.

© Krista Kujat



When Ambiguity Leaves You Feeling Violated: 4 Keys to Healthy Boundaries

RedLightChair Cropped
“I told him I wanted to have sex with him, but only with a condom. Then he pushed his way in without a condom. I cut off all contact with him. He had no idea why.”

“I was drunk and he was drunk. I told him I didn’t want to have sex with him, but I was turned on, and he was sexy. He pushed his way in and came inside of me.”

“I had sex with him just to prevent him from raping me.”

“My masseuse friend fingered me when I thought I was just getting a regular massage, it felt good but… I never said that’s what I wanted, he knew I had a boyfriend, I never gave him permission.”

After the last talk I gave, this is what women said when we opened up the conversation of violation. It made me want to write this piece about what to do when you feel mute, which can easily lead to ambiguous boundaries being crossed, or result in being violated.

How can you regain the power of your voice in the moment?

Many of us have had experiences when our voice wasn’t enough, which led to feeling our body isn’t really our own.  But don’t let yourself believe that that’s the truth, because regaining power over your voice is the most direct way back to being an ambassador for your body.

If you’ve ever been in the ambiguous zone of being physically intimate with someone, and you found yourself saying to yourself, “It feels good but…” then, please, read on.

As a permission-giver for pleasure (because you deserve it and it’s what your body is built for), this calls for a special spotlight on boundaries, and how deciding what you want in advance and committing to it is one of the most empowering things you can do.

Connecting to your sensuality and experiencing pleasure, in itself, does not always honor your desires. To honor your desires, you need to decide in advance what you want from a relationship, get clear about what how far you’re willing to go both emotionally or physically before getting all hot and heavy, and then speak up for what feels right to you moment to moment.

Elect yourself to be a spokewoman for your body. Click To Tweet

Expressing what you’re feeling emotionally, as well as what you know on an intuitive gut level, is crucial in being true to your body’s physical and emotional desires.

That said—we’ve all been there—I’ve also found myself completely and utterly mute, in my own pleasurable but “off” situations.

Sometimes the loss of words can be because you don’t know exactly what it is that you need.  Other times the loss of words can be because you’re in a sort of shock at what’s happening, or your brain goes into overdrive analyzing what to say, how to say it, while another part of you feels increasingly uncomfortable, wronged or unsafe.  Sometimes the loss of words is because you can suddenly be disassociating from what’s happening physically, which is your body’s natural response to protect itself.

Whatever the situation, here are some ways to find your voice in these conflicted moments.

rosepetalfold

#1 – Give yourself time to identify what you want and need.  
If you’re in the moment of feeling sensual pleasure, and feeling at the same time that something is “off” or not right, and you know you need to say something, but you’ve lost your words, give yourself permission to pause.  Slow down.  Take a bathroom break, or do whatever you need to do to ask yourself what you really want.

When you take time to ask yourself what you really want, then ask yourself  what’s holding you back from speaking up. It’s so easy to get in your head and think you’re going to be called a tease, a prude, or be accused of giving mixed messages.  Don’t let that get in the way of being a spokeperson for your own body.  If you find that you’re literally afraid of the person you’re with, do whatever you need to take a break. Call for help.

#2 – Be clear in advance about what you want.
When you’re clear about the NO and the YES in relation to yourself before you hook-up with someone, the agreements you make with yourself and others are much more clear. You can relax more into the interaction; you can trust yourself to say no to what you’re not comfortable with and yes to what really turns you on.

I once worked with a client who wanted to go slow with her new relationships because she was in a pattern of passionate affairs.  For her, sex had been a way of validating her worth and she was working on breaking that pattern knowing that she was worthy whether or not she engaged with a man sexually.  So she made the agreement with herself before she went on a date that she’d be clear with whoever she was dating that she wanted to take things slow.  She decided in advance exactly what that meant for her – which in this case was only kissing and touching.  The will to break an old un-fulfilling pattern was stronger that the endorphin rush she new she’d get from a passionate one night stand.

On the other side of the spectrum, if your pattern is to with hold sex in order to feel in control , or as a way of protecting yourself from intimacy or getting hurt, you might explore a different kind of agreeement. You may want to commit to be being more emotionally vulnerable while allowing yourself more unconditional passion at a pace that feels good to you.

The point is, whatever you decide on in advance, gives you clarity, which will allow you feel both safe and free. Setting your own playing field, and letting your date know in advance what  you want and what your limits are, saves you from an unspoken boundary being crossed.

Once you know what feels right in your body, independent from sensual interplay with someone else, you’ll have the fortitude to commit fully to your boundaries before, during and after sex.  And this saves you from from being muted, and inevitably, betraying yourself by disregarding what it really is that you want and don’t want.  

Boundaries create a safe playground for physical and emotional desires. Click To Tweet

#3 – Know Your Body
Years ago, I once made out with a friend of my ex-boyfriend – part of me wanted to have wild, passionate, unapologetic sex with him, while another part of me felt guilty, wrong and undeserving—even though my ex and I had been broken up for two years! I judged myself so harshly that I couldn’t enjoy the moment of mutually consenting sex with someone who I liked, and who I knew liked me. I couldn’t discern my mind messaging from my body messaging, so I was involuntarily giving this guy mixed messages—my body was shutting down – turning on – shutting down – turning on—to the point that this guy said to me:

“I can’t tell if you want to have sex with me or not?”

The problem was, I couldn’t tell if I wanted sex with him or not either. Holding back what I was feeling inhibited me from being true to myself, and without knowing the difference between my guilt and my desire, I couldn’t make a choice for myself in the moment of what I really wanted.

In my case, I was often afraid of losing myself (which often happens when we’re too busy doing what we ‘think we should’). When driven by this fear, you might push your partner away by saying they’re not giving you what you want and need, and end up giving them a cold shoulder, killing them with silence, brushing them off or even dumping them.

If you were like me, the only desire you may have been able to pinpoint is that you want to be in a loving and sexually satisfying relationship. The thing is—you need to know what ‘loving’ means for you in each moment, just like you need to know what ‘sexually satisfying’ means to you in each moment, so that it’s not just a fantasy. You need to know what feels good and right in your body, as well as what feels good and right to you emotionally, so that you can actually make choices that honor yourself moment to moment.

Once you know what would be honoring yourself and your desires, having a conversation about what you want can be the most freeing thing you do before engaging in sex.

Knowing yourself is the pillar of creating boundaries and

empowering your voice.

couple bed-erotic-situation-in-bed

#4 – Learn How To Create Healthy Boundaries
Learning to create boundaries in personal relationships isn’t something we learn in school, and in most cases, we’re taught how to be a ‘good girl’, and how to be liked and accepted. But few of us are taught how to navigate our feelings, especially in relationship to our bodies.

Boundaries aren’t only necessary for feeling free in your sensual and sexual expression, they’re also necessary in all of your agreements with yourself.

Many of us are raised with what is right, and good, to do as a partner, spouse, lover or friend, and sometimes are not even aware of what we need or want, we just operate out of what we think we “should” be doing to maintain a sense of love, integrity and feeling of being accepted.

It’s easy to be overzealous with boundaries—even if we’re able to be fully sexually and sensually self-expressed and achieve pleasure, but won’t let anyone get too close emotionally. This is no fun either, because it ultimately prevents us from deeper connection.

If you’re someone who has also struggled with not knowing how to navigate conflicted sensual pleasure, and you want to feel unconditionally loving and loved while you’re ‘at it’, here are some questions you can ask yourself to get more clear on how to create boundaries:

What boundaries do I need to create for myself, to help me trust myself to express my needs and feelings?

Do my boundaries help me to stand up for something I truly desire and deserve?  Or have I created boundaries to protect myself from fear of being hurt?  (Hint: The key is to choose boundaries that take a stand for what you desire, as opposed to creating boundaries that are road blocks to intimacy, love and pleasure.)

If I’m protecting myself from ‘being hurt again’, what is it that I need to heal?

If you’re hurt from a past break-up or physical violation, choosing to be worthy of healing over expecting someone else to take care of your wounds will pay off for your lifetime.  Be honest with yourself and find how you can take responsibility for your feelings, so you don’t put the responsibility in someone else’s court.

Am I taking action to go for what I desire by asking for it? If not, then what’s holding me back?
Once you know what’s holding you back, you can explore what’s behind it.  Is it a fear or a legitimate desire?

If I’m not speaking up, is it because my fear of being hurt is driving me to be complacent? And stopping me from expressing what I need?

Asking yourself these questions while you’re connected to your body, and out of “analytic” mode, is key.

When you start asking yourself these questions, and commit yourself to asking for what you want and need, you’ll always get closer to being true to yourself, you’ll master getting clarity on healthy boundaries and being able to experience pleasure without the turmoil of mixed messages!

Relationships are like tennis games. Once you know the parameters of what you need to do for yourself to stay in the game, then you’ll find your freedom in launching the ball into the other court with confidence.

Commit yourself to playing with someone who’s as available and willing to return the ball… know what you want… keep your eye on the ball… and be ready to give and receive!

To learn more about what you desire emotionally & physically, take the Intimacy Quiz.

 

 

 

© Krista Kujat


by // Comments Off on When Ambiguity Leaves You Feeling Violated: 4 Keys to Healthy Boundaries

Tap Into The Emotions Hidden In Your Body, Then Free Them

CarlJungEnlightenment

A big revelation for me was when I discovered a body-heart healing modality called Systemic Constellation (aka Family Constellations).

Through this work, I realized something mind-blowing.

I have trauma in my body? What?!   

I’m just a simple girl who grew up coddled in the crispy clean suburbs of Calgary, Alberta Canada? Trauma? Hell Noooo.

I had always related trauma to things like “living in a war zone” or “being held at gun-point”.   

Never could I have imagined that my “feeling of being trapped” was the result of covering emotional pain, which translated as trauma in my body.

I mean, really. I was totally normal. (Right?!)

In systemic constellation work (AKA Family Constellation), without any thinking, analyzing or searching, I immediately felt an intense feeling in my body of shutting down for fear of “doing something wrong.” It was a feeling that I knew well, but I never had been able to have enough distance from it to see it for what it was, until I tried this work.

Having the space to feel it and know it without analyzing it freed me. 

Now here’s the bomb.

I started to see my monstrous self-consciousness, my fear of making mistakes, and my feeling of being trapped, was driven by the motherboard of all pains: Shame.  

Specifically shame that I held around my sexuality.

I started to see how other things that I had considered as “just the way things are” were far from a “healthy kind of normal.” 

Here’s an example of the “unhealthy kind of normal” that naively penetrated deep into my being.

When I was 11 years old, on a family trip in Germany, my dad grumpily commented about being able to see the panty lines through a woman’s dress. The woman was walking in front of us, was wearing an all-white, knee-length, capped-sleeve dress, and yes, her panty lines were visible.

His next comment was: “Unbelievable—women dress like that, and then they wonder why they get raped.”  

My sisters and I rolled our eyes that we had to live with that attitude. And my mother brushed it off. But I never realized until all these years later how this casual comment, not just from my father, and not just from men, but also from the women in my life, impacted me. I know my dad loves me, but this is clearly not a healthy kind of respect towards women’s bodies, and I innocently took it in as a universal truth.

This “unhealthy kind of normal” about sexuality penetrates deep in our world without us even realizing it.  

I had been living in fear that if I showed any hint of ‘sexy’, or inadvertently dressed “the wrong way”, I could be violated, hurt, harmed. And that just felt normal to me. Until I could see it for what it was.

The power of this realization could never have been figured out in my mind; it took bypassing my brain to see the dynamics that were living inside of me.

That’s freedom.

Knowing your visceral fears.

And having the clarity to make a choice in light of it.

Some resources for Family Constellation:
Praful Saracino & Karen Passalacqua:
http://www.karensyogaandmassage.com/family-constellations-cyrus-and-karen.php
Mark Wollyn: http://www.markwolynn.com


1 2